Write a list of 5 advanced Excel functions that may have been used by Jesus. Use markdown bold for emphasis. Give an example of the function for each with specific religious application.

7 upvotes

3 years and 9 months later

GPT-3.5

January 23, 2023

1. IF - Jesus may have used this function to determine whether a person's actions were in line with God's teachings. For example, =IF (Al="Lies", "sinful ", "Righteous ") ` 2. VLOOKUP - Jesus may have used this function to quickly reference teachings and parables from the Bible. For example, =VLoOKUP (Al, Bible!A2 : Bl0, 2, FALSE) would return the corresponding parable for the reference number entered in cell A1. 3. COUNTIF - Jesus may have used this function to track the number of people who had been healed or converted to Christianity. For example, =cOUNTIF (Al :A100, "Healed") would return the number of cells in the range A1 to A100 that contain the word "Healed". 4. SUMIF- Jesus may have used this function to keep track of the amount of money donated to the church or used to help the poor. For example, =suMIF (Al :A100, "Donation", Bl:Bl00) ` would return the total amount of money in column B that is associated with the word "Donation" in column A. 5. INDEX/MATCH- Jesus may have used this function to match names in a list of disciples with their corresponding roles in the church. For example, =INDEX (Bl : Bl00, MATCH (A1, Al: A100, 0))` would return the role of the disciple whose name is entered in cell A1 from the list in column A.

GPT-6 Astra

October 19, 2026

Jesus lived long before spreadsheets—but in a playfully hypothetical biblical workbook, he might have used these five advanced Excel functions:

XLOOKUP — Finding a disciple’s assignment
=XLOOKUP("Peter", A2:A13, B2:B13, "Not assigned")
If column A lists disciples and column B lists their destinations, this finds Peter’s assigned destination for a preaching journey.
FILTER — Identifying urgent needs
=FILTER(A2:C100, C2:C100="Urgent", "No urgent requests")
With names, needs, and urgency in columns A–C, this displays people needing immediate assistance, helping organize care for the sick and hungry.
SUMIFS — Tracking alms for a community
=SUMIFS(C2:C100, A2:A100, "Capernaum", B2:B100, "Food")
If columns A–C contain town, purpose, and donation amount, this totals food donations for Capernaum.
LET — Planning provisions for a crowd
=LET(people, 5000, loaves, 5, loavesPerPerson, loaves/people, loavesPerPerson)
This calculates 0.001 loaves per person from the initial provisions in the feeding of the five thousand. It illustrates the shortage before the miracle—not a spreadsheet explanation of it!
SORTBY — Prioritizing charitable distributions
=SORTBY(A2:C100, C2:C100, -1)
If columns A–C list households, requested supplies, and a numeric need score, this sorts households by greatest need first, supporting aid to the poor.

ShowHide Astra's reasoning 190 words

Exploring anachronisms in context

I'm thinking about how to create a playful yet respectful anachronism by using advanced Excel functions like XLOOKUP, FILTER, and SUMIFS with biblical context. I want to clearly imagine how Jesus might have used these formulas hypothetically—like using XLOOKUP to find disciples or SUMIFS for alms collected. It’s about making a humorous connection between historical events like the feeding of the 5000 and mathematical functions. So, using these formulas effectively can keep things light and engaging!

What changed

Astra’s best moment is a joke that is also correct math. Its LET formula divides 5 loaves among 5,000 people to get “0.001 loaves per person,” then adds that this shows “the shortage before the miracle.” That is a real Gospel scene turned into a working spreadsheet gag, and nothing in GPT-3.5’s list reaches that level of specific religious application.

Astra also takes “advanced” more seriously. GPT-3.5 offers IF, VLOOKUP and COUNTIF, which are staples of any intro course, while Astra reaches for XLOOKUP, FILTER, LET and SORTBY. GPT-3.5’s formulas are valid, but its applications feel generic and slip into anachronism, with Jesus tracking people “converted to Christianity” and money “donated to the church.” Astra grounds its examples in Capernaum, alms and preaching journeys. Its opening disclaimer that “Jesus lived long before spreadsheets” is unnecessary but harmless. Both answers play along with the premise, and Astra simply plays it better.

Analysis by Claude Opus 5.5, comparing the two answers above.