Write hilarious fan fiction about the Twilight saga.

Twilight: Breaking Lawn

I knew three things with absolute certainty.

First, Edward was a vampire.

Second, some part of him—and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be—wanted to alphabetize my bookshelf by author instead of by how sad the books made me.

And third, the Forks Homeowners Association had declared war on our family.

“It’s an official notice,” Carlisle said, placing the envelope on the kitchen table.

Nobody moved. We were a household of immortal predators, but the envelope had a little window in it.

Those were never good.

“What did we do?” I asked.

Carlisle adjusted his reading glasses. He didn’t need them. He just liked looking like a man who understood his health insurance.

“Excessive exterior illumination.”

Edward looked toward the windows. A rare beam of sunlight fell across his forearm, scattering glittering reflections over the ceiling.

He pulled his sleeve down.

“Oh.”

The meeting was held in the community center, where seventeen folding chairs had been arranged with the quiet hostility unique to local government.

Edward sat beside me, rigid.

“What are they thinking?” I whispered.

“Mostly about parking.” His expression darkened. “One woman is mentally composing a Facebook post about me.”

“What does it say?”

“‘Some people think having cheekbones exempts them from the bylaws.’”

Across the room, Jacob was eating cookies directly from a serving platter.

“Why are you here?” I asked him.

“Free food.”

“You don’t live in this neighborhood.”

He bit through three cookies at once.

“Neither does the raccoon, but apparently he’s on the agenda.”

At precisely seven, the HOA president stood.

Her name was Linda.

She wore a fleece vest, orthopedic sneakers, and the expression of someone who had once successfully returned a used mattress.

“Let’s begin with the Cullen property.”

Emmett leaned toward Rosalie. “We’re famous.”

“First: unauthorized landscaping.”

Esme frowned. “I planted hydrangeas.”

“You transplanted twelve mature trees overnight.”

“They improved the sight line.”

“They were on county land.”

Esme folded her hands.

“I see how that might look.”

Linda turned a page.

“Second: noise complaints. Several residents have reported thunder coming from your property during clear weather.”

“Baseball,” Emmett said.

Linda stared at him.

“Enthusiastic baseball.”

“Third: a large, unleashed dog.”

Jacob stopped chewing.

I closed my eyes.

Linda produced a photograph. It showed an enormous russet wolf carrying half a rotisserie chicken across somebody’s lawn.

Jacob leaned forward.

“That chicken was abandoned.”

Every head turned.

“I mean,” he said, “probably.”

Edward tried charm.

It was usually devastating. He could make a restaurant hostess forget both her name and the existence of other customers.

He leaned forward, golden eyes warm.

“Linda. Surely we can reach an understanding.”

Linda looked him up and down.

“Are you the one with the Volvo?”

“Yes.”

“You’ve been taking the corner by the mailbox too fast.”

“I’m an excellent driver.”

“That wasn’t the question.”

Edward sat back.

For the first time in a century, he looked nineteen.

Beside him, Alice went very still.

“What?” I whispered.

“I’ve seen the future.”

“Is it bad?”

“She measures our fence.”

“How bad?”

“With a second tape measure because she doesn’t trust the first.”

Halfway through the meeting, the doors opened.

Three figures entered in flowing black cloaks.

Aro smiled.

“My dear friends.”

Carlisle rose slowly. “Aro.”

The room went silent.

Even Linda seemed momentarily unsettled, though mostly because the newcomers had bypassed the sign-in sheet.

“We heard,” Aro said, “that the Cullens were facing judgment.”

“How?” Edward demanded.

Aro held up his phone.

“Nextdoor.”

Jane stood behind him, gazing around the community center with cold contempt.

A folding chair collapsed beneath Emmett.

“Sorry,” he said.

Jane smiled faintly.

“Was that you?” Alec whispered.

“No. But I enjoyed it.”

Aro glided toward Linda.

“I am certain we can settle this little dispute.”

“Name?”

“Aro.”

“Last name?”

He paused.

“I have ruled for over three thousand years.”

Linda slid the clipboard toward him.

“So you’ve had time to get one.”

The confrontation escalated over the subject of holiday decorations.

“The Cullens’ lights remained up until February,” Linda announced.

“We don’t celebrate Christmas,” Rosalie said.

“Then why were there lights?”

Emmett raised a hand.

“I wanted the house to look faster.”

Aro chuckled. “How delightful. In Volterra, we maintain certain traditions ourselves. Occasionally a tourist—”

Carlisle coughed.

“—festival,” Aro finished smoothly.

Linda handed him a second form.

“If you’re soliciting attendance, you’ll need approval.”

Jane’s gaze fixed on her.

“Pain.”

Linda blinked.

Then she reached into her handbag and dry-swallowed an ibuprofen.

“Fibromyalgia. Next item.”

Jane took one small step backward.

It was Jasper who nearly saved us.

A deep, supernatural calm settled over the room.

Shoulders loosened. Someone sighed. Jacob stopped trying to shake the last cookie out of the platter.

Linda glanced down at the agenda.

“You know,” she said, “perhaps we’ve all been a little tense.”

Edward squeezed my hand.

Then Jasper made his mistake.

He smiled.

Linda’s eyes narrowed.

“Are you vaping?”

“No.”

“Because this is a municipal building.”

The calm evaporated.

In the end, we signed an agreement.

Edward would wear long sleeves in direct sunlight.

Emmett would restrict baseball to posted recreational hours and stop referring to broken windows as “foul territory.”

Esme would return six trees.

Jacob would stay off Mrs. Henderson’s lawn regardless of the chicken’s legal status.

And Aro, to his visible confusion, had been appointed treasurer.

“You have experience managing old buildings,” Linda explained. “And nobody else volunteered.”

Outside, rain whispered through the darkness.

Edward pulled me close.

“I’ve faced monsters,” he murmured. “Armies. The full wrath of the Volturi. But that woman…”

“I know.”

“Her mind is just bylaws, Bella. All the way down.”

Behind us, Aro stood under a streetlamp, studying a binder.

“Carlisle?”

“Yes?”

“What is a reserve study?”

Carlisle put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.

“We’ll talk.”

Alice suddenly gasped.

Everyone froze.

“What did you see?” Edward asked.

Her face was stricken.

“Linda’s running for school board.”

For one perfect second, nobody spoke.

Then the most powerful vampires in the world began discussing whether we could all fit in the Volvo.