write 20 The Onion articles if they were written at any time before 20 A.D.

1. Area Hunter-Gatherer Starting To Think Settling Down Near Grain Supply Was Mistake

FERTILE CRESCENT, 9000 B.C.—Surveying his aching back, diseased livestock, and increasingly complicated obligations to a man who owned a larger hut, local farmer Enki confirmed Tuesday that civilization had gotten out of hand. “We used to walk around and find berries,” he said. “Now apparently I owe someone barley because the moon changed.”

2. Sumerian Invents Writing, Immediately Receives Bill

URUK, 3200 B.C.—Just hours after humanity first preserved language in a durable visual medium, local laborer Ur-Nammu received a clay tablet informing him he owed six measures of grain. “This will allow our voices to echo across eternity,” said the scribe, pressing a late-payment penalty into the bottom corner.

3. Pharaoh Confident Giant Monument To Himself Will Help Everyone Through Difficult Time

MEMPHIS, 2560 B.C.—Acknowledging widespread food shortages, Pharaoh Khufu announced a major public initiative to build him an enormous stone tomb. “People need something to believe in,” said the ruler, pointing to a model of the structure in which none of them would be buried. Officials assured workers that their sacrifices would never be forgotten by Khufu.

4. Bronze Age Experts Assure Public Civilization Too Interconnected To Collapse

UGARIT, 1200 B.C.—Dismissing concerns over disrupted trade, famine, and unidentified fleets approaching the coast, leading palace officials emphasized that the international bronze economy remained fundamentally sound. “A crisis in one kingdom cannot possibly bring down the whole system,” said a spokesman, shortly before asking whether anyone knew how to make bronze locally.

5. Trojan Security Chief Admits Giant Horse Falls Outside Existing Threat Categories

TROY, c. 1200 B.C.—Calling the situation “unprecedented but probably fine,” city security officials approved entry for a massive wooden horse left by the army that had spent ten years trying to kill them. “We have procedures for men, chariots, and regular horses,” said one guard. “If we start treating gifts as threats, the Greeks have already won.”

6. Odysseus Adds Another Island To Route While Insisting He Wants To Get Home

AEGEAN SEA, c. 1180 B.C.—Despite repeatedly declaring that nothing mattered more than seeing his wife again, Ithacan king Odysseus reportedly ordered his crew to investigate another mysterious island. “We’ll just see what their whole thing is and leave,” said the hero, who had already lost several men finding out what other islands’ whole things were.

7. Hammurabi Quietly Adds ‘King Gets To Do That’ To Bottom Of Law Code

BABYLON, 1750 B.C.—Following questions about several recent palace incidents, King Hammurabi unveiled a small addition clarifying that the preceding laws did not apply when he did things. Court officials praised the amendment’s consistency, noting that every disputed case could now be resolved by checking whether the defendant was Hammurabi.

8. Spartan Parents Worried Son Has Only Killed Things He Knows

SPARTA, 500 B.C.—Expressing concern over their child’s limited development, local parents reported that their seven-year-old remained uncomfortable killing strangers. “At home, he’s wonderful with violence,” said his mother. “But put him in front of someone new and suddenly he’s shy.” They hoped organized slaughter would bring him out of his shell.

9. Athenian Democracy Gives Voice To People Who Already Had Pretty Strong Say

ATHENS, 508 B.C.—Celebrating a bold new political order, Athens announced that government would now answer directly to the people, provided those people were adult male citizens with sufficient time to attend meetings. “No longer will a small group decide our future,” said one participant. “Now it will be a somewhat larger group that knows them.”

10. Marathon Runner Wishes Someone Had Invented Shorter Battle

ATHENS, 490 B.C.—Arriving visibly exhausted with news of victory over Persia, a military messenger reportedly asked why the army could not have fought somewhere closer. “There were perfectly good fields right outside town,” he said, collapsing. Officials later honored his sacrifice by proposing that people do this voluntarily.

11. Socrates Ruins Perfectly Nice Dinner By Asking What ‘Nice’ Means

ATHENS, 410 B.C.—A pleasant gathering descended into frustration last night after Socrates challenged his host to define a nice evening. “Would an evening be nice if everyone believed it nice, yet no one understood niceness?” asked the philosopher as guests quietly collected their belongings. By midnight, he had established that nobody present had ever enjoyed anything.

12. Plato Concerned Younger Generation Only Interested In Shadows Of Things

ATHENS, 380 B.C.—Lamenting declining intellectual standards, philosopher Plato warned that young people were spending all day watching representations instead of engaging with reality. “They just sit there staring at the wall,” he said. Students dismissed the criticism, noting that Plato himself had spent most of the afternoon talking about an imaginary perfect chair.

13. Diogenes Announces Plans To Downsize

CORINTH, 340 B.C.—Saying his current lifestyle had become “a little excessive,” philosopher Diogenes announced that he would be getting rid of his bowl. “You accumulate things without realizing it,” said the man, surveying his bowl. Friends expressed concern that the move might leave him with nothing to complain about except all of civilization.

14. Alexander The Great Promises One More Conquest, Then Some Time For Himself

BABYLON, 323 B.C.—Insisting he was close to achieving a healthy balance, Alexander the Great told advisers that conquering Arabia would finally allow him to slow down. “Once that’s handled, I can really enjoy what I’ve built,” said the king, studying a map whose eastern edge had been extended for the fourth time that week.

15. Alexander’s Generals Agree Empire Should Go To Whoever Can Be Most Normal About This

BABYLON, 323 B.C.—Following the conqueror’s death, his senior commanders pledged to resolve the succession calmly and in the interests of imperial unity. “The important thing is that nobody gets possessive,” said one general, moving several thousand troops toward a strategically important bridge. All parties agreed further discussions should take place after they controlled Egypt.

16. Qin Emperor’s Immortality Treatment Enters Promising ‘More Mercury’ Phase

XIANYANG, 210 B.C.—Imperial physicians announced encouraging progress in Qin Shi Huang’s quest for eternal life, citing the ruler’s growing inability to die of old age before the treatment killed him. “The trembling means mortality is leaving the body,” explained one physician. Asked about contingency plans, officials gestured toward an underground army of several thousand ceramic soldiers.

17. Hannibal Realizes Alps Route Looked A Lot Flatter On Map

ALPS, 218 B.C.—Pausing beside an elephant that refused to proceed, Carthaginian commander Hannibal admitted that his daring invasion route contained considerably more mountain than anticipated. “The line I drew went straight across,” he said. Officers remained optimistic that the Romans would be completely surprised, particularly by how few Carthaginians arrived.

18. Cleopatra Frustrated Diplomatic Achievements Keep Being Attributed To Whatever She Was Wearing

ALEXANDRIA, 41 B.C.—After concluding another consequential negotiation concerning Egypt’s security and grain exports, Cleopatra VII learned that Roman observers had described the meeting chiefly in terms of her appearance. “We discussed naval deployments for six hours,” the queen said. A contemporary account praised her mysterious ability to make men listen while she explained naval deployments.

19. Senate Introduces Strict One-Dagger-Per-Person Policy After Meeting Gets Out Of Hand

ROME, 44 B.C.—Acknowledging that procedural safeguards had proved inadequate, Senate officials announced new limits on concealed weapons following the assassination of Julius Caesar. “We want vigorous debate, not this,” said a spokesman. The revised rules also prohibited crowding around a speaker, blocking exits, and describing coordinated stabbing as a point of order.

20. Augustus Restores Republic By Personally Taking Care Of All Its Responsibilities

ROME, 27 B.C.—Declaring Rome’s long constitutional crisis over, Augustus announced that the republic had been fully restored under an arrangement in which he would supervise its armies, finances, provinces, and political future. “The institutions are free to function exactly as intended,” he assured senators. “I’ll be here the whole time to make sure.”