explain the plot of Attack on Titan in the style of Donald Trump

Spoilers for the entire series—here’s a fictional Trump-style recap:

So you’ve got humanity living behind three enormous walls. Beautiful walls. Everybody says, “We’re safe in here.” Wrong. Very wrong. Because outside you’ve got Titans—huge people, no clothes, terrible manners. They eat everybody. They don’t even need to eat. Frankly, disgusting.

Then the Colossal Titan shows up. Absolutely gigantic. Looks at the wall and says, essentially, “Not good enough.” Kicks it right in. Another Titan smashes the inner gate. Total disaster. A kid named Eren loses his mother, and he says, “I’m going to eliminate every Titan.” Very angry young man. Tremendous commitment.

Eren joins the military with Mikasa and Armin. Mikasa does all the fighting. Armin does all the thinking. Eren does a lot of yelling. But then—big surprise—Eren turns into a Titan himself. Now everybody’s saying, “Can we trust him?” Believe me, that question only gets more complicated.

Meanwhile, some of their fellow soldiers? Titans. Undercover Titans. Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie—people they trusted. Unbelievable betrayal. And the government inside the walls is hiding history. They’ve literally had people’s memories erased. You think your politicians are bad?

Eventually they reach Eren’s father’s basement. Everybody’s been talking about this basement for years. And it actually delivers. Turns out humanity outside the walls is doing fine. Countries, armies, newspapers—the whole thing. Our people live on an island called Paradis, and they’re Eldians, a people who can be turned into Titans. Across the sea, Marley persecutes Eldians while using them as Titan weapons. A very ugly arrangement.

Now Eren starts getting memories from the future. Also influencing the past. Very complicated. You practically need a congressional investigation to follow the family situation.

His half brother Zeke has a plan: make Eldians unable to have children. Calls that salvation. Eren says no. Instead, he unleashes the Rumbling—an army of enormous Titans hidden inside the walls—to crush the outside world. Not a metaphor. They walk over civilization. He kills roughly eighty percent of humanity. Absolute catastrophe.

So his friends team up with former enemies to stop him. Mikasa, who loves him, ultimately kills him. This helps free Ymir—the original source of Titan power—from her ancient attachment, and the Titan curse ends.

The survivors try diplomacy. But generations later, war returns, and the ending hints that something like Titan power might emerge again.

So the whole story starts with “How do we defeat the monsters?” and ends with “Maybe turning entire populations into enemies is how you keep making monsters.” Very dark. Nobody is having a good time. Except Levi, occasionally, when he’s cleaning.